4:47 AM. A sharp stinging pain in the stomach jolts me awake. I sit up on the couch, feel the wall till I find the light switch and flick it on. The room is spinning. I close my eyes trying to make it stop. Pointless. I feel sick. Another wave of pain goes through my lower abdomen accompanied by a strong urge to puke. I stumble to the bathroom. Drop on my knees, lift the toilet seat and hunch over with both hands on the basin. I open my mouth in anticipation but nothing comes out. I feel weak. Nauseous. That’s when it hit me, I haven’t eaten anything over the last 24 hours.
On several occasions, I have been accused of being snobbish, indifferent and unenthusiastic especially when it comes to pursuing romantic relations with ladies who seems perfect. Is this true? Maybe. Now before you berate me for my shortcomings it is only fair I tell you how it all began, right? This is my story.
Attempting to demystify Joe Chuma is akin to licking your elbow. He is the ultimate gentleman, heated in a furnace of courage, hammered by intellect, cooled in a pool of suaveness, encrusted in courage and polished by wit. Joe Chuma is the standard measurement of masculinity, whose exploits feel like a Marvel movie, I bet superman is envious of the man.
Due to public demand, I have complied the following list of things you should know about Joe Chuma;
Who the hell is Joe Chuma? Why is his face on billboards all over the city and exploits told on radio and social media? What makes him phenomenal?
This is a one-on-one interview seeking to demystify Joe Chuma, the man who knows Victoria’s secret, and is a strong advocate of ‘letting your woman come first,’A man who has taken over the country by storm promising to make Kenyan politics sexy again. Read to find out why you should vote for Joe Chuma as your next president.
It’s a Thursday evening, you are heading back to Nairobi with your main chick after spending two nights in Nakuru. She is unusually quiet. You ask what’s wrong. Nothing, she says yet you can see hot fumes billowing from her nose as she scrolls through her Instagram.
Growing up I was taught education is key to a bright future. However, for as long as I remember, I was always among the bottom five in class. The only thing I was good at is English because of my love for novels I presume.
My poor performance wasn’t due to lack of hard work. I would study till late in the night, take remedial classes and wake up early but still, my results never changed. Teachers openly criticized my performance in front of the whole class just for a good laugh and that really got to me. The worst part is it got into my head and made me believe I was indeed stupid.
I am the first born in a family of six. I scored a C plain in my KCSE back in 2010. I moved in with a rich relative who promised to get me a job. Since their house help ran away, they asked me to step into her shoes as they sort out it out.
These relatives were very wealthy but constantly quarreling. They would go out most nights leaving me all alone to take care of twins who were only a few months old, a four-year-old and six-years-old kid. They would come back home in the morning drunk and stinking. They would spend the entire day sleeping and puking all over.
It breaks my heart every time I look at the smiles on the faces of family, friends, and students who score straight A’s. I wish they could fast-forward their lives so they can see the realities ahead of them. I grew up in a remote village, managed to score a straight A and top my district becoming the first person in my family to go to the university.
One of your readers asked why there aren’t any success stories with regards to university education. Well, here is mine. I will be turning 26 this year and I am a single mother to a lovely baby boy. I met his father back in campus and got pregnant with him. I had to defer my studies in third year, first semester. When I resumed my studies 6 months later it was hell. Seeking help from my final year project lecturer was like trying to get blood from a house fly.
This is where my story begins. I got my pupillage in a law firm in Nairobi CBD. My salary was five thousand per month for six months. 5,000 bob to cater for transport and food. The only support I got from my parents was my rent being paid. To say that it was hard would be an understatement. I went into depression. Trying to ask my friends for help was not a choice, they were going through the same thing. We would joke that the guy selling us mutura was making more than us.