Having a place of your own is one of the greatest things any young man can have. You can walk around the house ‘commando’, put your feet on the coffee table or leave the toilet seat up without anyone raising a ruckus. However, there is a downside to having a bachelor’s pad. See, most men on this part of the continent have been accused of being irresponsible and a horde of other nasty things. Therefore, when a typical lady visits a brother’s place and finds it tastefully furnished and well maintained, she plots of a coup d’etat.
It all begins with her leaving a panty in the bathroom, next is a toothbrush, a pair of shoes and before your realize it, three-quarters of your wardrobe is full of her stuff. You will be forced to factor her in all your plans. What such ladies fail to understand is that, sometimes a man needs time alone to strategize on his life.
Asking a woman to give you some space is a potentially explosive situation. It’s worse if romantic feelings are involved or you just don’t want to slide back into another major dry spell.
Now that you are a grown up, you can no longer use the famous lame excuse “you need to leave, my folks are coming over”. The following are six ways to kick out a guest who has overstayed their welcome, especially a lady.
Initiate a heart-to-heart conversation and steer it in such a way that she reveals to you her greatest fears. Thank God if she is scared of spiders or lizards since they are easily available. Every guy ought to have a fixer, if you don’t have one, just drop me an email and will connect you with Jaymo. All you need is to give Jaymo a thousand bob and ask him to go hunt for ten scariest lizards and spiders around the Nairobi National Park.
Then liase with Jaymo so that he delivers the package to your place when you are out probably shopping with your unwanted guest. When you get back that evening, let her be the first one it your apartment. Since Jaymo is shrewd and creative guy, he will most likely have positioned one of the reptiles on the doormat , kitchen sink, bed and probably have two in her handbag.You better have some ear muffles close by to protect your eardrums when she spots them.
Jehova Wanyonyi style
For the non-Kenyans, Jehova Wanyonyi was a self-proclaimed god based in the Rift Valley. He is alleged to at one time threatened to punish the whole nation if not given 3 Billion shillings. That’s right, 9 zeroes! That’s like 30 million US dollars, right? Now claim to be Wanyonyi’s ardent follower.
Grab the bible (Jehovah’s Witness version), mumble a couple of Bible verses then act like you are in a trance. After a couple of minutes-with your poker face on- tell her your lord, Jehova Wanyonyi, has given you a vision that you are destined to spend the rest of your lives together. The only thing she has to do in order to make this happen is that, she has to stop using anything western from then onwards. Insist that it includes weaves if she has one.
Split the bills
Even with all the efforts made by feminists calling for gender equality, most women still believe a man should foot all bills. If she happens to subscribe to this belief then it is your lucky day. Have her seat down and tell her how happy you are to have her in your life, that its time take things a notch higher, never mind you met less than a week before.
Claim to have mad respect for women and believe she is an equal partner in your relationship hence you would like to share some bills with her. Show her a list elaborating how you will split the bills. She will be responsible for buying food, paying the rent and all other utilities, while you will be saving all your cash so that you can buy a piece of land and build your future home together.
This is my favorite. Stare at her for a protracted period of time without blinking until she asks what’s on your mind.
“I have enjoyed every minute spent with you this with weekend and I want to ensure this doesn’t end ever”
She will probably go like, “Aww, that’s sweet of you.”
Proceed,“I’ve after carefully thinking, come to a conclusion that the only way I can ensure this happens is by killing you and me” Go ahead and reveal to her all the most gruesome ways of ending your lives. At first she might call your bluff but if you go on for a while she might believe you. You can sell it better if you ingest a couple of multi-coloured tablets while she watches, then say something like “these are for my mental condition”
If she doesn’t buy this, wake in the middle of the night, grab her throat like you are choking her, albeit gently, while chanting something incoherent. She will definitely leave the next morning!
Unfortunately not all men have the courage to go through with the above ways. If you are such a guy, then this will work for you. Imagine that her top is an invisible coat so you can neither see nor hear a word she says. Believe me, nothing pisses women off like blatantly ignoring them.
The other option would to be to invite your most uncouth friends to watch a game or go out to a bar till late in the night, ignoring all her calls and texts.This will send a clear message she is unwanted.
Pull the plug
This works if you have a young and cool caretaker like I do. Brief him on your situation, then rope him into the plan. At 6am the next morning, have him violently bang your door while hurling all kind of expletives. “Wewe Maish ebu fungua mlango!…Kazi yako nikuleta wasichana hapa kila siku na hata haujalipa rent mieizi mbili…si juzi ulikuwa na nani….”
To make it believable, let him in so that he can go grab strategically placed -and unbreakable- items near the door and hurl them outside like he is kicking you out. This is bound to draw unwarranted attention from your neighbours. Thank heavens ladies on this part of Africa are allergic to unnecessary drama and broke men. She will find a way of slipping away to avoid embarrassment and probably never ever pick any of your calls again.
If none of these ways work out for you then you have a bigger problem than you thought. Come out clean about your unsuccessful attempts to kick her out of your home or just drag her out of the house by her hair.
Have you ever had a guest who overstayed their welcome? How did you kick them out?
Written by Mark Maish