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It’s a Friday night at the end of the month, having been paid, you are out with a friend in a club having drinks. You are not really good at dancing so you wait until you are too tipsy to give a hoot before you hit the dance floor. While nursing your drink you scan around the club. Your eyes land on a table at the corner. It’s occupied by a beefy guy and three beauties.

You settle on one of them. There is something different about her. She is not only stunning but also has this aura around her like she is some sort of royalty. She takes a sip of the red wine before her then flashes you an enchanting smile. You smile back like you are possessed and lift your glass in her direction like they do it in the movies.

Your friend is blathering about how agribusiness is the next big thing. To be honest you don’t feel this is the time to discuss business. So when the DJ finally plays a jam you loved so much as a teen, you get off the seat and start swaying to the beat. You can hardly recall the lyrics, luckily its old school hip-hop thus all you need to do is mime and throw in some gangsta hand signs.

You move back to your seat, take a sip while wiping the sweat off your brow then throw a casual glance at the pretty lady on the corner table. She is dancing with her friend. Dancing is a rather polite word considering whatever they are doing way too sensual for Kenya Film and Classification Board to allow it on TV. She looks at you and bites her lower lip. Damn these Nairobian ladies!

You shift your attention back to your friend feeling a bit disappointed. Is she attracted to me or she simply likes teasing men? You look back at them dancing. What you see makes your heart sink even further. You came out tonight hoping to have a great time but that seems not to be the case. You decide to order more beers to drown your sorrows.


An hour later someone strokes your hair. You hate that because it makes you feel like a little boy. You turn around ready to give the culprit a piece of your mind. To your surprise, it’s the pretty lady. OH boy, you wouldn’t mind if she goes ahead and strokes all the other parts of your body with hair if that tickles her fancy.

She takes two steps back and beckons you with her index finger. You look at your friend. You can read his mind.  Dude what are you waiting for? You look around the club for any cameras, you know this could be a prank then you end up on TV making a fool of yourself. Satisfied there are no cameras you join her.

She pulls you closer to her. With her boobs pressing on your chest, blood flows out of your brain to the pelvic area. All this time she doesn’t utter a single word.

You look at her closely. She has got minimal makeup on, golden earrings that match with the necklace whose pendant strategically hangs at her cleavage. You try hard not to stare lest she thinks you are a freak.

“Would you mind if I dance dirty with you?” She asks.

You are a man, does she really expect you to say no, I would like us to dance like they do in church choirs?

Thanks to the few salsa classes you took back on campus, you are able to keep up with her. Things get intense. Her hands are all over you. You take this magical opportunity to caress every part of her body within reach. From far it may look like you are enjoying it yet the truth is you are searching for anything on her that feels like sleep inducing powder. You have to be sure she is not the kind you take home only to wake up and find the entire house empty.

The other revelers step back and form a ring around the two of you. You can see the green monster in their eyes. They all want to be you right now.

“God, you are beautiful!”

“Thanks, you are also very handsome.”

You take a moment to savor the compliment. Yeah you know you are good looking but when it comes from such a beauty you wish you recorded it then send the clip to all the girls who rejected you.

“I have been trying to get your attention all this time why didn’t you approach me?”

“I thought you like girls.”

She throws her head back and laughs revealing a set of all structured teeth. Your ego is having a blast tonight. The lady not only finds you attractive but also humorous!


Gently holding her neck you pull her close. She parts her lips and closes her eyes. You can feel the attraction. You have this tingling sensation down your spine and fingertips. You quickly make a cross sign in gratitude to the man above before moving your lips closer.

Her lips are so soft that it feels like kissing rainbows. For a few minutes, you are lost in each other’s lips. She reciprocates trying to take control. You like strong women, women who like taking control.

After a while, she pulls away to catch her breath. She Smiles at you. You smile back feeling like a champ.

“You are a good kisser.”

“You are also an amazing kisser.”

Suddenly her demeanor changes.

“I’m single {pause} Are you seeing someone?”

You declare whatever form of romantic relationship you have with someone else whether written or verbal null and void that very second.

“Yes I’m single!”

She smiles again.

And now laying her head on your shoulder and whispers, “We’ll make a great couple”

You immediately picture how your Sunday afternoons would be with her five years from now. You would chill with her on a hammock behind the house while your beautiful daughter runs around with a doll or is it iPads that kids nowadays play with?


“I need to use the ladies.”

This jolts you back to reality. You let go of her. She walks to the washrooms, which are right behind you. No sooner had she left than your friend walks over to you

“Man that’s a great catch you’ve got! Dump all the other ladies in your life and stick with her”

John you friend hardly has smart suggestions but today he seems to be on a roll.  You whip out your phone and text your evil ex-girlfriend and the neighbor who has been playing hard to get. I’m sorry; I don’t ever see us working out. Enjoy your life, complete with a smiley face.

Your friend leaves to go try his luck with some girl on the other end of the bar. You continue dancing as you wait for your date for the night to get back.

While at it, feminine hands albeit a bit rough blindfold you from behind. Aha, she is back! The rough hands can only mean she is the kind of woman who enjoys doing things with her hands. What a jewel!

Still blindfolded you dance while she grinds your behind. You always treat guys who let girls grind on them suspiciously but today you don’t care about that. You throw your arms behind your back to pull her closer. Your hands touch something that feels like a belt, which is weird since she didn’t have any. Maybe it’s the alcohol playing tricks on me.

You go on dancing until she hits your heel. When you are intoxicated lots of things can be confusing except the pain caused when you are hit with a Safari Boot.  Alarm bells in your head go off.  You pull down the hands from your eyes and turn to around to face her.

Standing right behind you is not the magical creature you kissed a couple of minutes ago. In her place is a woman who looks like she was a freedom fighter during the Mau Mau rebellion. She is in Safari Boots, blue jeans and a Liverpool F.C jersey with straps of a yellow faded bra visible. She smiles at you revealing broken and tobacco-stained teeth.

You recoil, your insides churn, you get a strong urge to vomit. All this time you had been dancing with a woman who is not only your grandma’s age but also looks like the witches you see in Nigerian movies.

Nigerian witch



A step behind the old hag is the pretty lady, one hand on her mouth as tears stream down her face. She had witnessed the whole thing. You walk up to her only to have her run out of the bar with her companions rushing after her.

You follow her to the parking lot determined to explain the truth about what just happened. You find them all getting into a white BMW sedan. I’m not going to let her leave before setting the record straight .

You knock on the driver’s window so that they would roll it down and let you talk to her. The car door is flung open so hard that it throws you onto the ground right into a pool of stagnant water close by. The muscular guy who was in the driver’s seat bangs the car door and drives off leaving you lying down on the ground soaked in dirty water.

It then hits you. You not only forgot to pick her phone number but also didn’t know her name or where she lived so there is no way to trace her. All your dreams with her just vaporized!

Someone touches your shoulder. You turn around with the intention of asking them to give you a boost out of the pool only to find it’s the witch in a yellow bra.

“Woman, if you even look at me once more, I will strangle you to death!”


Written by Mark Maish

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  1. 12

    I can’t stop laughing, I love that last sentence!!nice piece, it’s funny, it’s intriguing, it’s interesting..keep up!

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