It’s a Thursday evening, you are heading back to Nairobi with your main chick after spending two nights in Nakuru. She is unusually quiet. You ask what’s wrong. Nothing, she says yet you can see hot fumes billowing from her nose as she scrolls through her Instagram.
You choose not to prod her further instead take in the beautiful rift valley scenery as you negotiate the meandering road after the escapement viewpoint.
These are the moments you live for. Driving in silence with the woman you love as the cold gentle breeze blows away all your troubles.
Suddenly, she demands to take the wheel. This catches you by surprise, however, when she wants something it’s pointless to say no. Begrudgingly you switch seats.
She turns off the radio, grabs the steering wheel with both hands and floors the accelerator. You get sucked into the seat as the car lurches forward like a Rongai matatu. Ten minutes later, you can’t hold it together anymore.
“Babe, please slow down.”
She completely ignores you, instead pushes the car to 120kph. Luckily, it is a weekday hence traffic is light. You quickly buckle up and grab the holder just above the window.
She dangerously overtakes a speeding bus at a sharp corner narrowly escaping a head-on collision with an oncoming trailer.
Cold sweat starts trickling down the small of your back. You quickly mutter a prayer, promising to go to church the next Sunday and tithe diligently should you get home safe.
She turns to you, face devoid of any emotion. Her eyes are dead cold. Lips pressed hard together. Crazy girlfriend mood activated.
Before you say a word, she opens her mouth.
“How long have you been sleeping with her?”
” What? Who?”
“Silvia. You think I don’t know?”
What the hell is she talking about? Who is Silvia? You swear you have never met anyone by that name. It doesn’t make any sense, you have been pretty faithful for awhile now. Who is feeding her this crap? The artery on your temple is throbbing so hard it, threatening to burst open any minute now.
Unperturbed, she pushes the needle to 150kph.
Just then you remember your mother clearly warning you against seeing her.
“Son, there is something off about Daisy. She is not right for you..let me get you a nice girl”
You brushed her off as being old school. Damn, she was right.
“Babe, what’s this about?”
“I asked how long have you been sleeping with that slut?” She interjects.
Her tone terrifies you. She has a bad temper. A couple of months ago she held a knife to your throat. How you managed to talk your way out of it remains a mystery.
“Maish, what haven’t I given you? Why would you do this to me? Why?”
Tears are now streaming down her cheeks. No sniffling. No sobbing. Just that wild look in her eyes when she is about to do something crazy.
Just then it hits you, Silvia is her cool friend you fondly call Achieng. You once made out with her after a drunken night out but that’s it. She turned out to be so much like you hence ended up being great friends.
Achieng knows everything about you and you know all her secrets. How do you tell the missus that you both decided to keep the friendship a secret because she is overtly insecure?
At the rate at which she speeding and overtaking the probability of ramming into a truck is off the charts. You have to deflate her anger fast lest she does the unthinkable.
“Babe, I’m not cheating on you”
“You think I’m an idiot? Huh? Why did you go to the balcony when she called you last night?”
Last night, Silvia broke up with her boyfriend. She called you since she needed someone to talk to. When a woman is angry, logic doesn’t apply. Anything you say in defense will only be used against you. You have to change tactic. Aha, her birthday is only a month away!
“I’m sorry. I can’t tell you about it.”
“What do you mean you CAN’T tell me?”
“It is was meant to be a surprise.”
“What surprise?” She eases off the gas pedal, looking confused.
“Silvia is helping me get you the perfect gift for your birthday. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
She had been nagging you to up your game this year after one of her girls was flown to Dubai for her birthday by her boyfriend.
“Babe, are you serious?”
“Yes but since you have decided to blow it out of proportion, it’s off.
She pulls over. Her mood totally different.
“Aki baby I’m so sorry. You know I love you so much just that sometimes I get so insecure. What’s the surprise?”
You get out the car, slam the door shut and start walking away feigning anger. She quickly runs after you. Begging for forgiveness.
You are trying so hard not burst out laughing. It feels great to see her have a taste of her own medicine.
You are close to Kikuyu and your friends are meeting at Jaymo’s place before you all go paint the town red. You had been thinking of how to cut her lose tonight and she has just presented the perfect opportunity.
You turn to her.
“I hate how you constantly doubt and accuse me of so many things I haven’t done. I can’t be around you right now! “
You hop into a nearby cab give the driver directions to Jaymo’s apartment in Westlands leaving her standing on the curb feeling sorry.
You quickly text Silvia to ensure your stories sync then switch off your phone knowing she will try to call you the entire night thinking you are mopping in a corner. What she doesn’t know is that you are excited to go turn up with your boys like it’s 2100, without having to receive her calls every hour to 3 am to assure her of your undying love.
Tonight you are going to have a night of absolute freedom on behalf all the men hooked to crazy girlfriends. Bonafide drama queens. Women who drive them to the wall but they still love them to the moon and back. Men terrified by what their women might do to them but wouldn’t have it any other way.
A toast to all crazy girlfriends.
Written By Mark Maish