Who the hell is Joe Chuma? Why is his face on billboards all over the city and exploits told on radio and social media? What makes him phenomenal?
This is a one-on-one interview seeking to demystify Joe Chuma, the man who knows Victoria’s secret, and is a strong advocate of ‘letting your woman come first,’A man who has taken over the country by storm promising to make Kenyan politics sexy again. Read to find out why you should vote for Joe Chuma as your next president.
First things first, why didn’t you show up for the Presidential debate held a few nights ago?
You see Mark, when I was young, I gave my father ‘the talk’. When I turned 18, my parents moved out, which is to say I am an outlier. I didn’t want to give my competitors too hard a time…(laughs).
Now, why do you want to become the next Kenyan president, and what do you hope to achieve within your first 100 days in office?
Politics has been boring for too long. I pledge to make politics sexy again.
I will focus all my government’s resources on the actual issues affecting this country and its citizens.
What issues might those be?
My very first action as president will be to declare dry spell a national disaster. No human being should ever have to endure such torture.
Secondly, do you like your ID picture? No. I pledge to allow people to apply filters on any pictures they want.
Above all, I pledge to gazette Monday as a public holiday so people can continue partying. Happy people make a prosperous nation, ama namna gani?
And on a more serious note, we need to address issues of safe sex. Our young men and women need to know that there are options available to them to protect themselves, not only from STI’s but allow them to lead healthy lives until they are good and ready to be parents.
I couldn’t help but notice in your last press conference that all your bodyguards are ladies, why is that?
(Laughing) Man, the ladies love Joe Chuma, and I love them right back. My bodyguards are my secret weapons. Think about it, anyone out to harm me ends up stunned by my beautiful companions forgetting their evil plans. It is an open secret, the curves on my ladies are sharper than a samurai sword and more dangerous than nukes.
Ok. Why are Kenyan ladies so crazy about you?
I listen, respect and treat my lady like a queen. She is my companion, confidant and the strongest pillar in my life. I also fully support her in pursuit for her dreams…[pause]…The ladies are better placed to answer this. I would love to hear what they have to say.
Are you dating?
Yes. I am on a mission to ensure there is not even one single lady in Kenya. You have probably heard what happened when I went to the Virgin Islands.
No, what happened?
They are now just the islands.
What’s your illest pickup line?
I am a kiss man, Kiss men do not need pickup lines. Just ask Monalisa!
Ever split the bill with your date?
Nah, but every time I give them the 70 instead of the 69 they won’t let me pick up the tab. Would you blame them?
How would you describe your style?
I am always ready for a party. I heard that my shadow has been on the best-dressed list, not once but twice.
What’s this KISS we see on all your posters?
KISS is my favorite brand of condoms as they embody everything I am.On normal days I go for the Classic which is transparent and vanilla-scented. On special days, I mix it up with the Strawberry, which is red in color and ribbed or Chocolate-scented ones that are dotted. Life is good that’s why every young person should always strive to stay safe in order to live a long healthy life.
Kenyans are quite a conservative lot, aren’t you afraid of backlash from parents and the infamous KFCB CEO Ezekiel Mutua?
Mark, it’s time Kenyans stop burying their heads in the sand. Some kids as young as 13 are sexually active, with HIV prevalence among the youth rising.We need to reign in this pervasive trend. By no means am I campaigning for teens to engage in sexual acts. I simply believe parents and other education stakeholders should seriously educate their kids on the various contraceptive methods to enable them to make wise decisions hence curb the spread of STIs and early pregnancy.
How much money do you have in your pocket right now?
A couple of notes and coins at most. I prefer plastic money to cold cash.
How do I end up with a chiseled body like yours?
That’s easy. Do a hundred bench-presses, run 42 km, down a bottle of champagne and red hot pepper every morning just before breakfast.
A section of Kenyans feel you have raised the bar way too high, your thoughts on this?
I haven’t raised the bar, I am leading by example, kucheza chini tu!…(laughing)….Maybe if you talk to me nicely I will let you in on Victoria’s secret and you can share with your readers.
There you have it! To keep up with Joe Chuma’s Incredible life on Facebook and twitter check out #JCForPrezzo. Click here to vote Joe Chuma for President. Now, let me try to get this Victoria’s Secret.