December fever has caught up with Nairobians as thousands prepare to leave the city next week for their rural homes, Naivasha or Mombasa for Christmas. Domestic flights, SGR, buses, and hotels in popular holiday spots fully booked. Ordinarily, I would also be part of this migration, however, I have barricaded myself in the house on a Saturday night absolutely terrified of what awaits me. How did a night of fun turn into a never-ending nightmare? This is how it all began.
I check my watch for the umpteenth time. It is 10:45 pm on a Friday night, I am crashing a birthday party at some nondescript joint along Waiyaki Way. Worst decision ever. The DJ is playing reggae non-stop and every reveler except me seems to know lyrics to all the tunes by heart. If that isn’t bad enough the party is a total sausage fest.
As if on cue my phone rings. Josh Calling. Now Josh is a coworker who does two things with uttermost perfection. Close business deals and party like a rockstar. Whenever he calls I’m absolutely certain it’s going to be a dramatic night.
I move to the balcony.
It’s a Thursday evening, you are heading back to Nairobi with your main chick after spending two nights in Nakuru. She is unusually quiet. You ask what’s wrong. Nothing, she says yet you can see hot fumes billowing from her nose as she scrolls through her Instagram.
Yesterday, I met two old friends. One is a lawyer and the other an engineer. We all graduated the same year. Luckily, they were immediately hired by reputable companies based in Nairobi. They wore fancy suits, had expensive phones and from Facebook images, they seemed to be doing very well. Naturally, I assumed they were swimming in money.
Growing up, you heard so much about this magical city characterized by beautiful streets, tall buildings, and bright lights. A place whose paths were so dangerous that someone could steal money stashed in your socks without taking off your shoes. You were a child growing up in a small town where everyone knew everyone. Nairobi was this hub so far away. Anyone who went to there would return with lots of gifts and amazing tales. Apart from wanting to become a pilot when you grew up, your wildest dream was visiting Nairobi.
I have lost count of the times I have tapped the steering wheel. My phone buzzes. For a second I weigh whether to pick it or not. What the heck, I can’t think straight when it comes to her.
“Kevin, where are you? I really need to get out of here,” goes Adele’s frail voice.
“I’ll be there in a few. Just hold on.”
“Okay. Hurry up.”
The words Ali Pita was here may not be visible. However, they are engraved on your body from your toe to brim. They do not know that I was the first fella to do a practicum here or that my stay was prolonged. Would you tell them? Would you tell them that they will never hit the bottom reed like I did?
Your new home smells of opulence miles away. I can feel rich man’s affluence flow deep in my blood as the guard opens the massive gate.
My inbox is often flooded with messages from readers requesting me to hook them up with a partner. This ranges from campus youth looking for older wealthy lovers, to working millennials looking for serious partners. Others are only interested in landing a one-night stand.
I had just dropped off some young lady at her apartment when the request came through. An unwanted request. I intended to drive straight home after dropping this particular client.
Let’s get over with the introductions. My name is Daniel and I am an Uber driver based in Nairobi. I was hoping to go home at around 11 pm because my wife doesn’t like it when I go home past midnight.
It’s a Friday night at the end of the month, having been paid, you are out with a friend in a club having drinks. You are not really good at dancing so you wait until you are too tipsy to give a hoot before you hit the dance floor. While nursing your drink you scan around the club. Your eyes land on a table at the corner. It’s occupied by a beefy guy and three beauties.
You settle on one of them. There is something different about her. She is not only stunning but also has this aura around her like she is some sort of royalty. She takes a sip of the red wine before her then flashes you an enchanting smile. You smile back like you are possessed and lift your glass in her direction like they do it in the movies.